I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
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