The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
