Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
