so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
These tits shall not be calmed
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
