i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Randomize
