shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
