Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
