My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I stole a fireplace last night.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
