My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
