So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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