and you said cock pushups were impossible
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
