A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
