Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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