I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
