You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
