No awkward lesbian experiences without me
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
love makes seman taste better
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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