Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Randomize
