you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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