I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
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I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
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It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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