I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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