I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
