this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
