her vagine was all disorganized.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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