I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
