the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
