Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
