did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
