Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
