I looked at my own cervix.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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