1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
