If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
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He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
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We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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