I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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