Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
