my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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