between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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