I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Randomize
