Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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