you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
