i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
So squirting runs in the family.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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