the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
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