I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
mondays should just be called national damage control day
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
not ubering you a puppy
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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