$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
