4 words: hood of his car
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
