So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
