I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
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Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
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I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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