i permit you to call me
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
