I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
