Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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