i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
