He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Randomize
