Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
