Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
