I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
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