My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
