The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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